Titanic 2: The Epic True Saga Continues

I'd like to dedicate today's post to a movie review. I feel that it is important to share opinions, thoughts and critiques of movies with friends and family so that they know what to watch (or what not to watch). Today's critique is of a movie I saw on the shelf a few weeks ago. No one wanted to watch it with me, so I waited for a quiet 'alone' night to spend some time just chillin' and watching what I want to watch. My plan did not quite turn out that way as a friend came over and convinced me to wait till later that night to watch it with him and my sisters.

I'm going to give you a completely exhaustive review of the movie "Titanic 2"

Yes. That is right. Titanic 2. As in Titanic the Sequel. Those of you who have known me since high school know that I have a passion (obsession - passbession) with the original Titanic. I loved Leonardo Dicaprio. I even had a Leonardo Dicaprio pin that I wore on my jacket. I've probably seen the movie over 50 times. So when I saw Titanic 2 on the shelf, I knew that I had to see it.

Obviously I was first drawn to the title "Titanic 2" and the catchphrase caught my attention too, "100 years later, lightning strikes twice." Which in an of itself is not very good grammar.

The back continued in bold red letters, "The Epic True Saga Continues."

Now, I've done some resarch, and pretty much the only true part of the movie was that the boat sank. Despite that, this comment made me think that this movie was continuing the true story of the Titanic. Here's their description:

"On the 100th anniversary of the original voyage, a modern luxury liner christned, "Titanic 2" follows the path of its namesake. But when a tsunami hurls an iceberg into the new ships path, the passengers and crew must fight to avoid a similar fate."

YUP! A tsunami and an iceberg. I knew right away that this would be a great Friday night movie. And it was ('nt?)

Long movie short, a tsunami hurls an iceberg at the boat. And then, just when you think things can't get worse, another even larger tsunami hits the boat.

It wasn't so much that the story line was a bit on the cheesy side, this movie was so bad because the filming of it was terrible. Unbelievably terrible. Here is my review.

a. The 'stud' character - you know, the one who owns the boat, spent time in the coast guard, is the hero etc. was sleezy. Not in the movie, in the movie he was a decent guy, but all of us girls agreed that he was totally greesy and skeezy and disgusting. He was a cross between all three of the Baldwin Brothers and T-Bag from Prison Break. And yet he was the hero.

b. The main character (who was so memorable I can't remeber her name) was a terrible actress and I'm pretty sure she only got the role because she looks like Reese Witherspoon.

c. I'm no cinematography expert, but I'm pretty sure the entire movie was filmed in a gymnasium and a locker room.

d. In the scenes where bodies were floating and/or asking for help when in the water... yeah... you could see the bottom of the pool.

e. The movie only had about 20 extras. If that. It wasn't so much a big deal in the crowd scenes, but during the panic scenes, the same 4 people ran by the camera. And did the same actions. Apparently the only thing people do when in a panic is run and trip over their own feet and fall down.... six times in a row. Seriously. The same people. The same scenes.

f. They used the same 'stock' shots for everything.

g. There was one seriously distracting actress. I don't know what her name was, or what her role was, but everytime she came on screen I would yell out "look! Boobie McBooberson is back!" Wanna take a wild guess as to why she was distracting?

h. This is my favourite: In one scene, main character 1 and sleezy hero man are looking for main character 1's friend. They find her in the infirmary (read that again - infirmary as in first aid/ nurses station). She is trapped under a filing cabinet and bleeding from her upper chest. Heroman - because he was in the coast guard, and main character 1 (who works in the infirmary as a nurse) put their thinking caps on and show off their crazy first aid skills to stop the bleeding of friend number 2. Main character 1 gets some medical tape, and heroman pulls out a credit card. They then proceed to tape the credit card over the injury to stop the bleeding. Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure you are IN THE INFIRMARY. Most infirmary's, and correct me if I'm wrong, have things like.. oh I don't know... bandaids... gauze... maybe some paper towl.....

i. Just when you think things can't get any worse, heroman, character 1 and character 2 get stuck in the elevator and heroman uses his 'muscle' (???) to open the roof. As he is pulling himself through - get this - you notice that he is wearing WHITE SOCKS! Black shoes, black pants and white socks!!!!! Seriously people! If you are making a movie, and have to cheap out on wardrobe, at least get someone to look up major fasion faux paus on the internet!

j. After they climb to the top of the elevator the next step is to climb the elevator shaft. How could this go wrong? I'm glad you asked. You know how when you climb up, gravity makes your hair/clothing go down? Well in this masterfully crafted scene hair and clothing fall forward - toward their bellies. The scene was shot so you think they are climbing up, but gravity is telling you that they are just crawling along a ladder that is on the floor. Clever.

k. The final most awesome thing was at the very end. When the movie ended. With no resolution. Or ending. Or conclusion. It just stopped.

In conclusion (because I know how to end things properly), I think that maybe I do suggest you rent this movie. Because it was (in the words of Barny Stinson), "Awes..ful"